The Value of Communication

                 You cannot not think.  You are a thinking machine.  And you are an emoting machine.  Feeling, not so much.  The difference between feelings and emotions is that emotions are what your brain is telling your body.  For instance, in a dangerous situation, “Look ferocious." Or, if the situation is joyful, "Brain to face - 'Make joyful.'"  Or with a despicable person, “Look scornful."

                The problem is that while the lower parts of the brain are telling the body how to look, the upper parts of the brain have to consult the body to know what the lower parts of the brain are thinking; in other words, we have to be aware of our feelings.

                We aren't always aware of our feelings but other people are.  They can see our body language and they know what the lower part of our brain is thinking and if we don't know, there is a disconnect between us and others. 

               "Why am I mostly lonely?" I asked myself many years ago.

               "What are you afraid of?" my therapist asked me.  "Nothing, I'm not afraid," I responded; but I was and I didn't know it.  And that's how my work began. Among the skills that have proved most helpful to me were the communication skills.  If you want to know what's going on, talk about it. 

                Talking is a skill.

     

                 As small children, we learn language but we don't learn to communicate.  Well, we learn a rudimentary form of communication.  A few words, stomping our feet, kicking and screaming until we get what we want.  Some of us have never advanced beyond that level of communication.

                When a scientist studies a mold he endeavors to learn all there is to know about what he is studying.  He endeavors to get the whole picture. We would do well to do the same.  Me, I don't study mold.  Mostly I am seeking to create a better relationship with my family, friends, peers and professional associates. 

                 In order to have the best possible relationships, I need good, constructive communication skills; skills that give me the whole picture.  Out of my endeavor to understand the whole of my communication partner, I develop a more complete picture of what is going on inside of me.  No more, "Nothing, I'm not afraid (angry, happy, scornful, or whatever....)."  Now I get the whole picture, first of my communication partner and then, as a bonus, I get the whole picture of myself as well. 

                 There are eleven talking and listening skills that form the basis of constructive communication.  The skills include:

·        

         -    speaking for myself;

·     -   describing sensory data;

·     -    expressing thoughts;

·     -    sharing emotions;

·     -    disclosing wants;

·      -   stating actions;

·      -   attending (which includes looking, listening, and tracking);

·      -   acknowledging the other person's experience;

·      -   inviting more information;

·      -   summarizing to ensure accuracy;

·      -   asking open questions

                  These skills and more are taught at the counseling offices at 737 Dunn Road (a.k.a., Walter's Walk) in classes called Core Communication and Couples Communication.  If you, like me, are endeavoring to create better relationships with family, friends, peers and professional associates and self, then I strongly recommend one of these communication classes.

Ed Kozeny, MA, LPC