A Few Extra Tools...

by Teresa Gunter, MA, LPC


         I was recently at a weekend get together and overheard a grandma recounting how terribly behaved her grandchildren were. She babysits twice a week while both parents work.  She is a part-time primary care giver and one of the most loving people I know.  I could hear the frustration in her voice as she went on and on about how disrespectful, defiant and sneaky they were.  They never did what she asked, argued with her, and fought with her and each other.  My heart went out to her as I overheard the conversation from the other room.  Without missing a beat, my husband jumped into the conversation and contradicted everything she said.  I heard my husband say, “They never fight around us.  They always do whatever we ask.  We never have any problems with them.”  My heart broke as I heard her sputter and try to defend her experience. 

            What I knew was that they were both right.  I could see first hand how the kids could be argumentative, disrespectful and defiant.  As children struggle for control, these are the natural by products.  It’s not that they’re bad kids; they are normal kids who are exercising control in undesirable ways.

        
             I could remember the last time we babysat with them like it was yesterday.  I gave the kids a 5-minute warning that it would be time to clean up and go to bed.  The oldest (about 7 years old) looked at me as if to say, “You can’t make me.”  I didn’t respond.  To respond would be to begin a power struggle.  I gave the one-minute warning and again I received the look, but this time his sister joined him.  Finally, I let the kids know it was time to put toys away and head upstairs to get ready for bed.  I received even more defiant looks with grins of confidence.  They had been through this routine before. 

        
        In my earlier days, I would have begun to sweat with panic.  What am I going to do if they don’t clean up?  Being challenged by kids was a common part of my early teaching experience and my efforts lacked grace.  The contents of my tool bag were sparse and contained, repeated requests, threats of consequences, rewards for correct behavior (I admit to bribing, not my proudest moments) and finally losing my temper and yelling (also, not my finest moments).  To my surprise, these skills failed more often than they worked and I was left feeling frustrated, angry, and often embarrassed when others witnessed my skill set and my ineffectiveness. 

            As I looked at the kids and their grins of defiance, I did not worry this time.  Instead, I grinned back at them.  I knew something they didn’t know.  I had filled my toolbox with all kinds of tools, proven winners, if you will, for handling unwanted behaviors.  I actually looked forward to the challenge.  My favorite tool is: What you notice, you increase.  It’s a way to praise a child and also works to encourage desired behavior.  As a natural part of play, someone would pick up a toy.  I would notice the action and connect it to the desired outcome.  I would say something like this: “I saw someone pick up a toy and move toward the toy box.” I would say this with a big smile on my face and just the right amount of excitement.  Again and again I would notice tiny actions toward the desired goal.  Within 5 minutes all children were scrambling to clean up the mess so they could be recognized. Though this is one of my favorite tools, it is not always appropriate.  I use between 5-10 skills each night my husband and I babysit. 

            My favorite part of knowing these skills is that I like how I feel when I respond now.  I don’t know if you are like me, but each night, I think over the events of the day and my responses to them.  Did I like my response?  Was it effective? What can I do better next time?  I used to lie in bed at night agonizing over my frustrating attempts to control the responses of the children I taught.   Now I know I can only control my response to them.  It’s amazing.  This shift feels miraculous, but it is simply the result of learning a little extra information.

            If you would like to increase your child response tool bag, check out the Parent Talk classes offered by my dad and me at 737 Dunn Road.  The Parent Talk System was developed by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller and is successfully used by parents (and babysitters) throughout the world.  Teachers across the country use these very skills in their classrooms every day.  As a babysitter and educator, I can tell you they really work.